cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife