i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
This line from Airplane.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
A completely valid reaction tbh
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
i did the math
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*