I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!