Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
You Might Also Like
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
i really liked this one
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.