Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
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Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.