The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
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Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.