Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
You Might Also Like
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.