I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.