{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
#TopTip
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.