Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
You Might Also Like
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.