My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
You Might Also Like
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My inexpensive home security system…
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”