If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
very niche meme I made
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.