My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”