I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.