[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”