[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
You Might Also Like
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Festive toon…
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true