@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
dutch so unserious
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼