Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
This is my favorite one of these!
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault