4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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Favourite diary entry ever
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Rt to bother an English speaker
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.