[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”