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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.