Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
A family that plays together cheats.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
We need to put an American base on the sun
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.