I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?