Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*