She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.