[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
You Might Also Like
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.