Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.