Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Happy Taco Tuesday
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs