Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.