My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”