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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.