♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
🤣dope
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
¯_(ツ)_/¯