“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
*performs CPR on the turkey*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend