DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
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Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Good dog. ❤️
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run