Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
#SuperBowl
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
that de-escalated quickly
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious