DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
They’re called werewolves.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please