The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.