Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
You Might Also Like
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.