People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.