Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
When someone says you are so lazy
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale