I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
You learn something every day
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
A woman drives into a bar.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
We have a winner.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters