This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
You Might Also Like
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.