Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I did not eat the cake…
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt