Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.