The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea