why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
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My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Just how popey was the pope today?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”