my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave