I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.