Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.