I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
You Might Also Like
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.